If I could categorize and compile all of my thoughts into something coherent, I would. I'm realizing things that I should have realized a long time ago, and seeing things in a different light, in a different way with each day. I just can't seem to free myself of the chains I toss over my shoulders and lighten the burden I've forced myself to carry, in the names of experience and spite. Money is always tight; that's a given, especially for an uneducated 25 year old, attempting to earn his way into adulthood. I never expected to own a house before 30, but I didn't expect to be anchored to my chair by car loans and debt; these are things everyone faces, but I can't grasp simple concepts, like maintaining a budget, paying bills on time, alleviating the current stressors before adding new ones.
What I really need is to get out of here. I want to escape society, escape the boundaries that rein me in and keep me in check. Flee from the worries and troubles of circulating debt, of dead-end careers, of making plans with people you don't like, of dealing with all of aspects of people that involve strife or turmoil. Showing love to the people who have impacted you, and receiving love back, and loving them even more for giving that to you. That's the only cycle I want to be in. I want life to be a road; a winding, twisting, dipping, hilly road, with obstacles in my path, and just enough straightaways to see just how fast I can get, but throw something in my path just before I step over my boundaries, before I go past that limit, so I know what I'm capable of, and I'm shown the gift of humility, to keep me in check. The circular motion in which my mood and life choices seem to go have never led anywhere; by definition, a circular path or pattern, terminates at its point of origin. I always come back to the same stupid mistakes I've made in the past, and while the scenarios change, I always make the same goddamn mistakes, over and over. I can't tell if it's a lack of trying, a lack of devotion to change who am I am and who I've become, or if it's truly who I am and I can't learn from my mistakes, but all soul-searching aside, I keep screwing up, and while I'm aware of the things that have to change, I can't bring myself to change them because it's either an enormous undertaking or it doesn't makes sense to me in the moment. Yet, in times like this, I see the big picture as it's all laid out, and with all of the players in place, and I know what I have to do, where I have to go, and who I want to be. It's time like tomorrow morning where I will wake up with the crushing realization that I have become exactly what I dreaded on becoming: an overweight, undereducated, broke mid-twenties enlisted guy with no savings and a growing bald-spot. I will trudge off to work where I will be force-fed the same military bullshit that I'm stuffed with every day I step foot on base, and I will sit at my desk with stacks of paper up to my chin for a job that will never have an actual purpose other than to satisfy a committee's requirement, and when the clock chimes three, I will come home to an empty house of people who, for the most part, have no interest in knowing me beyond when the rent check is due, and I will skip on the cleaning and the laundry and domestic rituals I've learned through the years because of the wonders the internet holds, and I will sit for hours on my computer or with a video game, pouring over meaningless and trivial amounts of information and humor and images just for the simple fact I can escape the reality that I have settled into. And I will continue this pattern until another disaster rears it ugly head and I'm forced to deal with that. Hence, circular pattern.
I'm tired of ranting and going on about how much things suck right now. I fear that my head will never be right, that I'll never have a grasp on things, enough to develop into my own person, instead of the facade I carry around now. Fuck, this self-aware bullshit is for fucking idiots, man. Only someone as smart as me could be so stupid for recognizing and reflecting on how smart I am (reread that three times and tell me if it makes sense).
This night needs to be over. I can see how alcoholics are born. And frankly, that doesn't sound half bad. "Every man needs a muse, and mine could be the bottle." Sounds like a winner, Dallas. Sounds like a winner to me.
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